The lessons we learn

The world’s a hard place, Danny. It don’t care. It don’t hate you and me, but it don’t love us, either. Terrible things happen in the world, and they’re things no one can explain. Good people die in bad, painful ways and leave the folks that love them all alone. Sometimes it seems like it’s only the bad people who stay healthy and prosper. The world don’t love you, but your momma does and so do I.”

― Stephen King, The Shinning

 

Growing up is great in a lot of ways. Becoming independent, being able to decide if we continue to go to school, if we want to eat our dessert first, if we want to spend an entire day in bed binge watching a show or if we want to stay up past midnight even when we have to get up early. It’s great in so many ways—but it’s also hard in so many ways. We learn lessons we don’t want to learn and we experience emotions we sure as hell don’t want to feel.

 Here are the top 5 life lessons I’ve learned even though I would have been fine with going my life without learning them.

5) The person you fall in love with might not love you back.

I thought that if I did deeply romantic things and expressed my emotions eloquently and sincerely that I could make anyone want to be with me. Well, this thought was false. Some people will never have feelings for you even if you think you’re perfect for each other. This is an awful lesson to learn because you always assume that when you pour your heart out that someone they will realize all of a sudden they have always been in love with you. This doesn’t happen. This is probably a good thing though. You deserve someone who knows they want to be with you. Not someone who needs some convincing. Additionally, never think making yourself sexually available to the person you’re in love with will make them fall in love with you. It won’t. It will just tear you apart inside and make them see you as a means to an end (their sexual gratification).

 4) Some people really don’t want to hear about your accomplishments and can’t be happy for you.

I had a friend who would always find something negative to say about any accomplishments I ever made. “You got early acceptance into grad school? Well the program must be easy to get into.” It is really jealousy that drives them to be unable to be happy for you but it still bums you out when they always say negative things to you. Keeping this in mind, even if you’re jealous of someone, always try to congratulate him or her and try and sound sincere about it.

 3) Everything has a cost. EVERYTHING.

I am sure I don’t have to explain this one. It seems like I am always spending more money than I’m earning and it’s deeply frustrating-but like I need toothpaste. So I have to suck it up.

 2) Some people will hold an untrue opinion about your personality and there is nothing you can do to change that.

This man I was deeply in love with told me often that I was a negative person. This drove me crazy for two reasons. 1) He didn’t know me well enough to be forming such an opinion of me (you’re probably asking ‘Then why were you in love with him?” Because I was captivated by his superficial charm and mistook his narcissism for the right amount of confidence) 2) Every other one of my friend’s had never called me negative and when I asked them again after he gave his opinion if they agreed, they confirmed I was not. It isn’t worth it to try and make everyone like you. Even if you really want them to like you, it doesn’t mater because there are people out there who do like you.

 1) Although it is good to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you’re worried you’re misinterpreting someone’s character, sometimes your negative impression of someone is exactly right.

This is a hard lesson to learn if you’re someone like me who wants to always see the best in people rather than their flaws. But, unfortunately, there are some people out there who are awful selfish human beings who will never give you the kindness or time of day that you deserve. This is sad but it is life. Some people do not care about anyone but themselves and will always think they’re right and they will often try and make you feel bad about yourself because they feel they are full of wisdom. Don’t worry-they aren’t full of wisdom. They just live in a false reality where they are superior to everyone. You don’t have to give these people the time of day because they will just hurt you-repeatedly. These people have to exist to counteract the fact that we do have people in this world who are truly amazing. Try and think about those people in your life rather than this person who is constantly bringing you down. No one needs to keep toxic people in their life.

The words we are afraid to say

“Her heart sank into her shoes as she realized at last how much she wanted him. No matter what his past was, no matter what he had done. Which was not to say that she would ever let him know, but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone she had ever met, that all other men seemed pale beside him.”

—  F. Scott Fitzgerald, A New Leaf

 

“The loneliest moment in someone’s life is when they are watching their whole world fall apart, and all they can do is stare blankly.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

 

“And you’ll always love me won’t you?
Yes
And the rain won’t make any difference? 
No”

― Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

 

“The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed”

― Ernest Hemingway

 

Why is it so hard for us to express ourselves, to put our hearts on the line or to be truly honest? We spend so much time agonizing over what could go wrong that we forget to take chances because we never know what could go right. We hide behind excuses, our pride and our past and forget that these are the moments we always end up regretting-the ones where we have something so important to say that we can’t think of anything else. We waste time trying to get the words perfect and articulate enough so  that even if we don’t get the answer we desired, we will have at least poured everything we had into that moment. This is what keeps us from being honest, from standing up and saying how we feel because we will never get to that point where we are happy with what we have to say.  Eventually we have to decide if the embarrassment we may face by confessing our feelings weighs less than the regret we will live with carrying these words we’ve never said. 

I love you..

I care about you..

I miss you..

I appreciate you..

You hurt me..

You let me down..

I wish things were different..

Whatever it is you have to say, say it because you’ll never know how drastically it could change your entire life. 

The love letters we never send

My psychology professor told us that when we’re alone at night to close our eyes and listen to our heart beat and actively think about the fact that we’re alive. Being the studious student that I am, one night as I’m falling asleep I actively feel my heart beating and think about being alive.

For some reason, this reminded me of a picture I took in Central Park. I was standing beside the pond, admiring the beauty when I looked in the water and saw roses floating delicately on the surface. I quickly snapped a photo and didn’t think much of it until I got home. As I looked at this picture I thought of who the roses might have been for and I wondered if that person had ever received them or if perhaps this was a case of unrequited love where the intended recipient never received them. Maybe the bearer felt foolish about to profess his deep underlying love to the object of his desire and tossed the roses in the water and carried on with the day with the strange taste in his mouth of what could have been had his fear of rejection not got in the way.

Thinking of all of this, I felt my heart rate increase. I realized I was similar to the individual who had abandoned the roses in the pond. I’ve spent so much time thinking about why I should metaphorically throw my roses in the pond that I never even contemplated what went with it. That taste in your mouth of what could have been. That feeling that maybe you’re making a mistake. I realized my feelings-the metaphorical roses- shouldn’t be just thrown away or tossed aside. I have them to give and whether you accept them or not is beside the point. I have this beautiful thing, these strong feelings of affection that I have to offer you and at least if I give them to you, I don’t have to bear them myself, wondering what could have been.

Realizing this, thinking about the fact that I’m alive, I realized I had to tell you. I don’t think you’re perfect, but I think you’re wonderful. I think you’re more spectacular than the landscape of Central Park at sunset. I could listen to you speak forever, hypnotized by your voice and the way you express yourself. You’re a deeply emotional person, you try to hide it but I see it in the way you express yourself. You’re passionate. You’re determined. You’re strong willed and I love you. I love that when I see you everything else disappears. I love how being in your arms makes me forget the world. I love how you brush the hair out of my face. I love that you kiss me with such intense ecstasy.

As I lay there in bed, doing what my professor instructed, I realized I can’t keep this to myself. I can’t throw my feelings away so someone can take a picture of their tragic beauty. I’m telling you this because I think part of being alive is taking chances, even if they don’t turn out the way you hoped. Because ultimately, how do you really know you’re alive if you’re not actively living and doing things you fear? I guess all I’m trying to say is thinking about being alive and listening to my heart beat reminds me that I love you. And I don’t want to keep that to myself.